i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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