look no pants
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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