When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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