Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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