It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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