I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
