I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
