its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
