meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize