I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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