I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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