loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
