My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Vodka?
Forever.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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