Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
