Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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