forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
