i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
