Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
