my mouth tastes like poor choices
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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