My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
