whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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