Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
