meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
