U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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