Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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