I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize