Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
