Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
