Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
