I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
