Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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