Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize