The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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