he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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