Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
