i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
