So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
