I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
