I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize