Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Are my feet made of real feet?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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