Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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