dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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