evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
