It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
