Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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