omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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