so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
