Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't want my vagina anymore.
FUCK WHALES
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
