My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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