Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
