Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
