Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
