Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
