We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
