it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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