Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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