Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
