i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
