the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
