just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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