is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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