**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
